The Wisdom of Walter Clinton

"Same song, different verse. But the rhythm still sounds the same to me."
"Mexico is like Avoca without the general store."
"I wouldn't know Norman Williams if I chipped my tooth on his head in Safeway."
"Abe Lincoln said, 'It's the smart man that asks the questions. It's the dumb man that don't ask and still don't know.'"
"Mexico City makes New York City look like Decatur."
"Until you furnish me the document I requested, I won't consider you at all! I mean, how do I know you'll be in business five years from now? Do you see what I mean? You can FAX that info to me at this office in Arkansas c/o Walter Clinton. That's W-A-L-T-E-R. I think you know how to spell the last name!"
"That's like a quarterback trying to read the linebackers and then call the play."
"That's like Queen Isabella. She didn't give a hoot about the storms Columbus got into: she just wanted him to bring that gold back."
"Now this document you've laid here in front of me is crazy. What you've brought me here is the World Book Encyclopedia, and I don't have time to read it."
"Mañana don't mean 'tomorrow'. It means 'not today'."
"You're blowin' smoke, and I'm tired of smokin'."
"Do you know what word in Swahili means 'lost in the woods'? They ain't got one! Do you know why? They don't know what woods are!"
"It's like buying a big old car 'cause your family got bigger. It's got a bigger motor to pull you up the hills, but it ain't got a CD player in it."
"I don't know SAS query from Sasquatch."
"I'm gonna hold up a mirror and let you ask the questions."
"If he's old enough to go mule hunting, he's old enough to buy his own backpack."
"I'm the chief cook and bottle washer."
"Do you remember me or do you just think I'm a guy you met downtown?"
"Hotter than a two-dollar pistol? Oh, well Hell! Why didn't ya say so?"
"You need to be able to back out of the woods and look at the trees."
"Man, you are harder to get ahold of than a Mercury diamond."
"I got a meeting in seven minutes and I'm about to pee in my pants, OK!?"
"'Yo'! What the Hell is 'Yo'! 'Yo' is somethin' Harlem blacks yell at each other! We don't do that in this department!"
"Today's the 28th, all day long."
"I was born at night, but not last night."
"I'm as busy as a one-armed paper hanger."
"The voice on the 1-800-ARKANSAS number sounds like a lady with nasal congestion from New Jersey."
"I'm off you like a dirty shirt."
"I get to steer it every now and then, but I don't own the boat."
"We should know where each incident is on the priority list. I mean, we got this big ol' restaurant and we don't even know what's on the menu! And until I see a menu, I don't know what I want to eat! I think you know what I mean."
"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind mule, if you know what I mean!"
"Use the old Indian common sense approach. Drive on road. Look for potholes. Swerve to miss potholes. That's common sense, man!"
"What do I do if you get hit tonight by a train crossing Easy Street? I'm up the creek then! Without a paddle! Now I really don't like float trips! Do you hear me!"
"Make sure the bullets are in the gun before we pull the trigger, OK?"
"Don't ever make fun of someone who can spit in your food."
"See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!"
"If there's a problem in the henhouse, do you call the fox to find out why the chicken's dead?"
"When we come to a river, we gotta build a bridge! Do we build it out of concrete or steel or wood? What's gonna run on that bridge? That's what I want you to tell me!"
"If you're in the Army and get hit, yell out 'Medic!' just as loud as you can! If you're hurt you gotta holler!!"
"Could you turn down that loud ringer on your phone, please? When that thing goes off it sounds like an outdoor gong at a swimming pool...in Toilet, Arkansas!"
"That's just a bad report! That's like if I was a newspaper reporter and I reported, "John F. Kennedy was shot today, and it looked BAD!!", or like me reporting, "JFK was shot in Dallas, and I've never even been to Texas!!"
"Today is a holiday in Puerto Rico...'King's Day', or something like that...I think it's right after 'Nacho Day'."
"It's like Roseanne Roseannadanna always says: 'If it ain't one thing, it's something else.'"
"The rats are the first to leave the ship."
"If they come out to the gym and they got street shoes on, they can't play!"
"Don't worry about anything! These comments are never going outside this office."
"I don't think that Joe or Bob or Methusela knew anything or could even guess when or if that situation could happen again. And that's scary. That's very scary to me! It sounds to me like the dog threw up!"
"We still have problems. I think we got a sick puppy, guys. I mean, we spend two days fixin' the problem and find out the dog's still sick!"
"It's like, sometimes I get in the shower and I got a little sliver of soap, and the next time I got a double bar!"
"That one girl was polite but ignorant, and the rest of 'em were polite but just stupid."
"KIND OF a problem? Is that like when I adjust the volume on my truck radio and the whole truck dies? Is that KIND OF a problem?"
"Sometimes you have a horse you know ain't gonna win the Kentucky Derby. But you go right ahead and feed and take care of it, 'cause someday it just might make a darn good 'coon huntin' horse!"
"According to what everybody else says, I look like an old ogre."
"It's like Emmitt Smith running east and west on a football field: until he runs north and south it doesn't matter."
"Make like a chicken! Chickens don't have lips, man! They don't talk! Have you ever seen a chicken with lips?"
"When Columbus got back to Spain, do you think Queen Isabella asked him how the weather was? What I'm sayin' is that I don't care how the weather is!"
"It's just like herdin' cats!"
"I understand what we're tryin' to do. We're takin' a drive. What I don't understand is who's driving, who's putting the gas in the tank and how we're gonna get there. I don't see why we should just drive to the top of the highest mountain and say, 'Look! That's south!' I don't see how that helps us at all!!"
"You know, I've smoking now for about 15 years, and I don't have enough breath left to waste on these people. So, get something in writing from them and save some of my breath."
"Did you run over an attitude dog on the way to work this morning?"
"You know, Columbus sailed to the New World, but that doesn't mean the work got done!"
"This contract needs some work. It needs to be improved. I like the way the Chevrolet drives, but I like the styling of the Ford better. On the other hand, I like the tires of the Oldsmobile better than the other two! What I'm sayin' is, this contract needs to have the best of all worlds! Do you understand what I'm sayin?!"
"Would it be easier to compare a bird with a rock or an elephant? An elephant, of course. Why? They both have eyes, a heart, a brain and some sort of toenail. Now if their contract has a rock in it, they ain't gettin' our money."
"There are flies circling us at all times. Let's just make sure none of them land on us."
"This Email we've got here delivers mail whenever it wants to at different intervals. It's like one of those old-timey washing machines that slings clothes out every now and then: this thing just slings data out every now and then."
"I feel like we're on one island, and CrossCom is on another island, and rather that shouting back and forth, we throw a bottle with a piece of paper on it. They get it and throw it back! At least they could yell into a conch shell, or something!"
"Hey buddy, you just let me know, before that bull gets out and runs over here and breaks down my corral and shits all over the place! Do you consider that a fair request?"
"He's a little man in a big dog outfit."
"He's gonna be a champion hunter one of these days 'cause he sure don't mind gettin' up early in the mornin'!"
"When you throw a deck chair off the Love Boat, it don't make the boat rise up any higher."
"If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then, by God, it's a duck! Now you may call it a blackbird if you want, but I'll tell you it's a duck!"
""WWDWW! Whatever We Damn Well Want!"
"Dogs don't come back to the same backyard they got beat up in."
"Now, Ron, you know that mine and your feelings all rolled up together and taken to the breakroom with a dime will get you a cup of coffee. Without that dime, you don't get the coffee."
"If you are going to ask for something, ask for the whole grocery store, not a loaf of bread."

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